The salty childhood ¹ 2
12.11.2010
Part 2. "Overcoming".
Night nonsense.
Petrozavodsk in the beginnings of the ninetieth. It was uneasy time, vague and disquieted - vouchers, plates of Bittlz, Sting, narcotic Tsoy, the grant only on bread, coupons, in general - a full pace. Nothing sacred. Someone killed, someone lost all, someone found, scenery changed.
I studied in the Karelian school of culture to which I came directly from a train, after service on the submarine, in the sea form, and - have arrived. I should read verses, a fable, to wriggle. I have made all: it was necessary to live further. It was necessary to live somewhere... School gave a bed, unlike station where gave only in a muzzle: militia, OMON and a station mafia. I didn't know what particularly I wanted. But I knew precisely what I don't want: to come back in children'home Vladimir region, again to plunge into «the salty childhood». There were all ours. More often in prison, in a brothel, on a cemetery. And the majority already also wasn't in live... What shrill combination - isn't present the PERSON, how so?
I have properly estimated, seven times, and - cut off. Though according to 100 percent of boys from children's home come back to territory of the childhood, it as true, but - I don't care of the statistican?
All three years of study I remember with gratitude to those who suffered me. Twenty six years old children' home boy is a ready state accuser. Though generally nobody knew that I am from children's home, and - they suffered me.I felt I was clumsy, poorly educated , single, but at the same time desire something to do, so I was taught in the childhood. And nevertheless something inside, is closer to heart, didn't allow me to sleep, lifted at night, dragged on a balcony to look at stars. Something separately from me thought, lived, prepared for a jump. Head was silent! And only then I have understood that for me thought my small - with cam or even less - the Divine soul.
Probably, God puts in everyone ability to live with soul, but not everyone can hear it, and it was possible to me. I remember, how in children's home I often left at night on light of corridor lamps. I stood at a jamb and simply looked at light. Perhaps it also was that LIGHT, don't know... As there at Pasternak:
The rumble has calmed down, I left on a stage.
Leaning against a door jamb,
I catch in a far echo
That happens in my lifetime,
The twilight of night is set on me,
Thousand field-glasses on an axis...
If only it is possible,
Avva Otche, carry this bowl by...
But the schedule of actions is thought over
Also we will not avert the way end.
I one, all sink in Pharisaism.
Life live is not to pass a field...
To live in another's city without friends and enemies it was very difficult. All around hatched from house slippers, and my clothes gave out an origin "of noble family". The tramp - is the tramp and in 80 years. I was sharp, at times is intolerant, I repent, but I never sold and didn't search for benefit in relations. Gave the last,and didn't feel sorry for the money earned in street stalls. It is important that didn't drink and didn't smoke. It is encouraged not only in the creative environment, and our environment was just type creative. I was the first on all course started to earn additionally night watches. Directly from change I went for study, over a city there was a sun, and I would like to sleep... I spent labour money for plates, meal, it is more on what didn't suffice. But it was my first money. To work it is saving, though many boys and girls from children's home don't wish to work, the tip wait. And at such schedule still it was possible to me to go on trainings. I was engaged in football, boxing, tennis. Sports is work too. In children's home I visited all possible mugs and sections to resist to offenders. I was beaten at night, more rare in the afternoon, I raised at days. In my blood circulates three liters of trainer's sweats . I worked on myself and in many respects thanks to sports I have found work: the weakling don't take on a sentry semicriminal post, before it is necessary to pass The General Course of live Training.
Then I worked as the seller, the security guard, the yard keeper, conducted drama school, was deputy at school, in general,I have written the big Labour book. It is a pity that for it don't give Buker.
Entering the P. city.
With what to begin public work? At first tell who you are and whence, then I will answer you. Before to help another, it is necessary to help yorself. At first become worthy yourself,then to help someone. Stop to complain of bad destiny, overcome it, extend yourself for hair from a bog then only and conduct behind yourself the same poor fellows. Otherwise will sink together.
I didn't have a plan, with what and how to begin. But something inside, is closer to heart, moved, and business went. I talked to full and happy people. Having got speech education in the Cultural gleam, I addressed to each passer with ardent speech, told about how it is difficult to children-orphans, stuck with references, appeals, made revolutionary, getting into consciousness of weights. But many listened not. Quite often I stopped the person in the street to ask him a question. I remember these big eyes: what for the loony in Finnish old boots interviews? I weared on from second-hand, I looked as the patient, and to me all escaped punishment. More often people gave the terse answer or showed as somewhere to pass, though I asked absolutely about other. So I stuck to people about one year, spoke with watchmen, tutors of a hostel, the tipsy acquaintances. Few times it would be desirable to throw all for and understanding in eyes I and haven't read participation.
And here, I went to the director of one boarding school. Have collected employees to whom I have again made ardent speech. All exchanged glances with a smile, someone yawned, it was boring, it is always boring - another's children. Badly dressed guy persuaded well dressed aunts and uncles to begin new business without money, the help. «Shura, I will buy to you an automatic pistol», - approximately so I have acted on public. In Russia now it is difficult to begin something without the money, one desire, but it is even more difficult to understand, how it turns out at others. During this moment I have remembered «Dead souls» and have estimated that people can be registered in the organization purely formally.
So public organization "Balance" was born. Having entered all present in the report, I have decided not to disturb people any more , and to begin business of the life by what I have. And here five years as business lives though shots and don't suffice. Now I understand that not always the quantity is a quality. But - to what the rights there was Tchitchikov: the more souls you have, then you above and more visibly.
And as they looked...
Question «From whom you are?» in Russia it is traditional. If you will answer: «Nobody, from myself», here and problems will begin. From someone it is easier and more reliable, but I went on patrons of art and officials from myself, means, it was necessary to overcome both, and them. Then I have understood that the orphaned brand is necessary (or delirium) then will accept, will have a little cry and will give. But Russian - the people special, they love, that at first there was a hunting, then at a table gipsies, then the generous hand threw banknotes and bank notes in crowd. At me wasn't neither the gipsy, nor hunting, hounds of dogs. I had only terribly interesting past, like a spear with which it is possible to put the head to a chamber. You will survive.
If you have no either related communications, or formation, and there is only a desire and conscience - it's not enough. It appears it is necessary to pretend to be and lie, then all will be as it is necessary - to defend lie truth. Mistrust of people can be understood: they already trust nobody. As - that time to me was necessary to carry on negotiations with some structure for employment of orphans. Just there was an elective company, I didn't stand. The lovely nice lady has measured me by a sight and has led strange any conversation, its disbelief in my good intentions appeared in its each word. Soon I have visited her again have visited her on the same question: children-orphans should be employed. It has apologized, now we cooperate and for a year of many orphans have employed. Happens and so that like you will agree with patrons of art about the help to the project, like you will already receive good, and suddenly a question in a back: and to you what for all it? It is necessary to come back and begin all anew, to extend strong sat down anchor of mistrust. And time leaves.
Mobsters - deceased.
Being the big fan to play in football, I sometime have come into sports hall and have thrust in a command. Before I already could play professional commands, naturally, it have noticed. As it has then appeared, in our command there was all color of a crime of Petrozavodsk. The strong and prepared guys prepared themselves on "affairs". Known in criminal circles Alexander Panteleev supervised over them. The person strong, but fair. I wasn't included into one grouping, I simply played football though in breaks I quite often invited to join them be arrogant life where all is subject. However I each time left from the answer and beat a penalty.
Then begun repartition. Units have lived till this day, - those who managed to come off a slippery path. Other or have shot at an entrance, or have burned, in general many people lied down. Shortly before death Panteleev has told to me: «Maradona, - he called me so, - I don't know what you will turn out, but it is visible, you much that will achieve. The main thing - be yourself». A month later it have shot at an entrance in the face of mother. I often remember it: it was more fair than those who lives more piously, but is more false.... And what it is more important?
To be yourself... The youth starts to search for itself, and finds plank beds or a tomb. It is sad. Then deceased , its lifeless memory, put a monument on the grave, and after all it is not necessary to it any more. Especially, if those who remained on the earth, don't wish it paradise. How to explain, that life can be spent not for street fights, and on something useful? Idols from TV screens impose the vital reference points, a floor-mat by radio, naked girls in newspapers how the young man make out himself in all these things? But after all there were adult people near to it, mums and fathers, their conductors in the future! And what? What have they taught him? Only after there will be a tragedy, parents remember that something they not give to the child, - and late. Why they weren't interested, where their child all night long dangled? Really it is not known, what it dark blue - from drugs and alcohol? And how these juvenile alcoholics will concern the children and to the parents?
Ostap's boots, or in the afternoon chairs...
Intuitively I studied places where for the sake of whom I have started all it live. Visited children's homes, boarding schools, a pre-trial detention center and shelters. First of all followed study the director of establishment. Pupils of children's homes are very observant: who comes to them, what they have in hands, in a head and a shower? Directors - the people timid, are afraid of unapproved contacts. They lovely smiled to me, said that all at them is remarkable, nevertheless such organization is necessary. And the look at them was sour, though also indulgent. Now I am in friendly terms with many of them. They told me as someone already tried to create similar public organization, but couldn't: difficultly. I smiled and imperceptibly hid teaspoons in a pocket. Then I went to officials, sat in the corridors of power, looked, remembered, who comes into what office is whole performance, - who with whom is on friendly terms, who as speaks, and who as is dressed. Accepted differently. But - the formation received in a cultural gleam school, allowed somehow itself a tax. I again hotly told about difficulties of children-orphans, they cooled me with tea, promises, however at the second meeting asked again: «whom to?». The collection of tea spoons replenished, but the car has already twirled, at night I slept in a stall, went on establishments, editions in the afternoon and acted.
The people have got gradually used to me, already looked easy, paid compliments type « it will turn out all at you », "yes-yes" or even three times: "yes-yes-yes" and one "is not present". Thus some citizens were trace after me with opposite statements. Now they are my Honourable enemies without whom in any way it is impossible. They called in editions, every possible services, said scurrilous things and malicious slanders. I understand that it's very difficultly to overcome dual feeling to the person of the applicant. When the car has twirled, much became clear to me. Acquaintances in what haven't resulted, however have cleared something.That's Important simply to do the part, then any scaly lie will jump aside by itself. Very much I love «the Ballad about truth and lie» of Vysotsky. Here, now I will put: «I pray for my enemies»...
The secretary-bodyguard, or overcoming
The most difficult in public work - to find who has means for realization of plans. Who they, where live? Perhaps, on trees?
The thorny road begins with the secretary who estimates you outwardly: any ragamuffins have come to the director, what for? To overcome a secretarial cordon - the big art, those only the chocolate, but also the first question here is important. Secretaries of the end of 90-years were members of a family of the head more often. No comments. They protected the bosses furiously, to last cartridge... Conversation began traditionally: «who are you?». The answer should strike guards on the spot. The main thing - to prove as the person through humour, ease, freshness... It is possible to say something original, let and not concerning to pleading. Then the iron lady will burst out laughing or will playfully smile at least, having inclined a head... It is a victory.
Having learned to overcome posts, I have got access to a body.
Bodies met without rising more often. They only specified, on what chair it is possible to sit down. But I always sat down on another, it surprised: as it I haven't obeyed... Then we began conversation.
About colleagues on shop. Shortly, but it is sharp
It was fashionable to speak about the social tender at one time , the social order. The various municipal organizations made advances to public associations, inviting to any fairs-forums. Actually all it becomes for a tick and a stick as interests most NCO interest nobody. It is important to inform the high heads: NCO under control. Games with tenders and grants - the most favourable theme. Many public organizations are guided exclusively by grants, they are created for this purpose only, as if the god-send by itself will tumble down it from the sky. And after all it is hard labor - to think and work for others, thus, that to public organizations overestimate rent of premises, strike at the rights in courts etc.
To bureaucrats not to NCO, by it on the chairs to be kept to idle at the new owner, raking up bribes both hands. Painfully to look, how public men, having appeared before eyes of a certain head of department, wait, when it name the sum. Today NCO is more often the organizations completely supervised by the power, with rare exception. The power puts under their heads different tips in the form of posts if only didn't itch over an ear. And for the sake of what and whom it was created these structures? Who remembers now? Have received privileges, have sat down on an administrative resource - and allow to build the career. We have a lot of such here, however, as well as everywhere. Well why it is impossible to remain at conscience, not to be on sale?
About grant funds that more often in Moscow
In the beginning of the public career I have arrived to Moscow to receive knowledge, how to write grant demand and how to work in the third sector. Has arrived in pink glasses, it seemed to me that hot hearts there and then will find support and a support. Warm to children etc. Naivety! As I was mistaken. Workers of these funds don't have affairs to our hot hearts. They work and live first of all for themself. I saw self-satisfied ladies who came by good cars and wrinkled a nose towards us - the naive rural people expecting lordly favor. The neglect was read on their persons, at times passing in irritation. I didn't know then that funds are the supercorrupted organizations taking bribes and percent for that the demand has been satisfied. How it is possible to take from children with infantile cerebral paralysis, orphans? But they took. Not only that in these funds managers and the trainers who have picked up book theories work. They sit at such transcendental height that you feel any more the applicant, and the humiliated small insect.
I have ceased to write to these funds. I work as that nearby, on the administrative and information resource. And recently, I have received the letter from the new head of Fund. He writes that in fund there were changes that following the results of checks much has cleared up, and all have dismissed. I was delighted. However, one of these days called in other fund to consult. I was answered that all former workers of this fund work now for them, and now it will be easier to me to work with old friends. I didn't have words. Probably, the Auditor hasn't reached them.
Submit kopeck
It is now prestigious to submit cut-away, having flashed regalia. However,I haven't had cut-aways.
I gave out the short jagged brand-offer about destinies of children-orphans, about their problems, smoothly passing to conscientious offers.
It was seldom when conversation went fast. The person in a leather armchair liked to speak about what he personally didn't face, but read somewhere. Already to the conversation middle it became clear, the person will render the concrete help, or we will be limited to art prose. I remember, there was a conversation with one very important person. At first he has declared that he has only 15 minutes, however we have spoken 4 hours in spite of the fact that it continually reminded about these 15 minutes. In general, dialogue with people from which you expect the help, - very good experience. All minor fake off. Though refusal is guaranteed in 90 percent cases, is too experience and work, the base of the future victories.
Already then, having found experience, I have understood that it is important not to ask, and to offer cooperation. But the first another's money for «another's children» - the most salty and memorable.
If the clothes or a sight give out problems of a master of the situation, - such not only won't help, it will pour out on you a tub of the problems. Happens and so that like wouldn't will refuse, but also will help, though could.
Happened that asked at once: «How many it is necessary to you?», but such people was very little. And with whom I spoken with four hours so anything hasn't helped, God to him the judge. By the way, it was already ruined.
Unfortunately, in Russia patronage of arts, participation in destiny of the near meanwhile isn't developed. Not enough sacrifice, one PR, peacockery and shocking. The deputy has broken a foot,all newspapers write about it: how he feel with the broken foot, poor? But when grandmothers stacks fall in slippery streets, it excites nobody. And after all simply enough to give a hand...
About what your song,the singer unfamiliar?
Having developed a fund raising brand, I was engaged in the organization of projects and actions for children's homes. The purpose was double: the first - simply to begin the cooperation, the second - to get acquainted with children as in establishments it is impossible. The whole two years carried out actions one behind another: competitions, competitions, humanitarian actions. I was accepted. The most important - these actions surpassed all internal projects as in establishments there are not enough the people knowing direction, capable to involve additional means that the holiday has turned out. Besides study in culture school was of use good service. At first actions arranged for one concrete establishment, then at last it was possible to collect all together. It was given not simply. Quite often my telephone messages didn't go further the accepting. Many projects made smaller success as children was present a little, however participants of action always spent him at high level, whether it be the Symphonic orchestra, performance or sports competitions. The rumor also has gone. Though and to these on not simple to gather some establishment and nevertheless children leave children's home walls is more often, see the world. It is impossible to list all projects, them was much, and all of them have brought concrete advantage. Now children come and ask, when there will be a new program when starts the new project. We have held competitions of drawing, compositions, discos, the Olympic games, sports competitions, thematic meetings etc.
Impersonal private life
It wasn't, and while unfortunately isn't expected. And what is private life? Attachment to household appliances, a soft bed and a knife for bread for 100 dollars? Or the mother-in-law, who is live interested how we live, what we chew and what is in your garbage can? My home life hasn't turned out for many reasons. As one friend has told me, public men don't live long, and it was right. It is difficult to me to explain, paternal I haven't deserted all for the sake of a family. As it seems to me, the civic stand is by and large not family preservation as that, it simply life for the sake of others. Perhaps I am not right, but that also became a stumbling-block. People called home to me, asked to help, it wasn't pleasant to my wife. But if the person costs on a balcony of the eighth floor, asks to talk to it, whether I can answer:« Forgive, I am weigh in a family ». We communicated with the wife on the raised tones, trying to reach the friend the friend, and here once to I was told that it isn't cheerful with me, then I have understood that is should with me, and with what I live, with another's troubles and problems. Well, it is really not palatable. I have taken away a package with things, the computer and has left. Now it's late to search understanding there, where it wasn't the residence permit in the passport was as the corner-stone put, the good past, the car and other personal belongings which for relatives were the highest blessing. Insults aren't present, a rage too, though the daughter grows at another's "uncle". There was besides an experience - the friend of errors difficult, and the genius - paradoxes the friend. It is remembered, the former father-in-law from a threshold has declared: «How? He has no residence permits ? Without it is impossible!» Also has gone a ritual circle on surrounding with the terrestrial happiness. Sometimes people say to me that affairs should be left on work, but after all life is the most important our work, and it is necessary to fulfill this Charisma. Or all of us grabbed will drag off on a next world together with slippers?
Tchitchikov has a rest
At the organization was neither office, nor phone, the status - anything that could promote its growth. There was only a desire much what to undertake.
I did the first materials on the pre-war typewriter. Wrote articles, made plans, marked interesting thoughts and all stored it in a box, being wound on demountable apartments or living directly in shop. I carried all with myself. Then I had to be arranged for three works at once that though somehow normally to look, buy clothes, eau de toilette.
Time went, and the office and phone wasn't. But the main thing that there was a BUSINESS. Later Committent on management of municipal property has given me our the permission to one cellar where I would like to organize the republican center for children-orphans "BEACON". It was the concrete cellar from a horror film, good under good unless will give? But I managed to persuade a number of the enterprises to help capitally to repair it, to organize a toilet. Again I went and asked a paint, linoleum, gypsum cardboard, nails - all necessary for repair.
Thus I worked, survived. I was helped by friends with whom I played football in one command, directors of the building enterprises, and all like would go smoothly. But here the mayor whom I constantly slighted in mass-media concerning abandonment of children-orphans, has selected at me a premise for rent non-payment: all means went on materials. And money has been spent considerable, the good car could be bought, children-orphans hardly would be located only in that one. The mayor refused, the Arbitration courts proceeding and until now have begun. Having left the rented premise, I have come besides to the director of a boarding school that accepted me for the first time, and I asked to give me the former ski room - destroyed, broken. For a building already more than 50 years. And again I have gone on people, asked materials, means, searched for those who could repair a premise - small, but the. And here the dining room for those who lives in the street has soon opened, "the memory Cross" on a place of executions in 30th years is established ten-meter, trips to colonies, a pre-trial detention center, children's homes, shelters are organized. And the power continues to live by laws known only to it, and not to disturb it is simple can't. Soon new court, police officers again will come, will ask for the organization of the help to children-orphans... Already five years. There was no love at us with the power, ointment hasn't approached, skis of relations slide badly. To me they only wouldn't disturb! After all I love all of them.
Somehow I have tried to reach hearts of students and teachers of social branches of institutes, technical schools, schools, university. Deputy on educational work collected all in a hall. My performance lasted about forty minutes, the people were silent, questions didn't set, looked in a wall. I left, reserving death silence. As if them has visited the death has put master Bezenchuk and all has measured. Once I have collected all collective of teacher training college, but again my performance haven't made impression, it is a pity. And I have again left in silence. I was overtaken by knock of someone's heels, the lady of years of thirty has apologized for all collective, but has thus whispered that one of these days they as have filled up the organization of invalids. Also has densely reddened. And once I have heard to the report in one of boarding schools. The teacher, the doctor of sciences, told, how volunteers work with children-orphans. She is the lady was just from this the college. I had to act too, as it openly said lies, substituting concept of student's practice volonteer for work of its students. She sat red, and all hall reddened. So at us in Russia say lies the doctor of sciences because the report on voluntary work with orphans is necessary. To say lies is prestigiously. In the course of performance has got both to the mayor, and tutors, and Putin, and all who is responsible for children-orphans. Piety and cleanliness conference has turned in fight. Who would like to listen to truth about the bad work? Then, the charter to appeal and ask, I have decided to work one, involving such friends who shouldn't explain anything. They simply helped, though asked type questions: are you want to be in a deputies mark? And I smiled. So there was an organization of dead souls "Balance" which helps those to whom it is difficult. It is impossible to tell that assistants aren't present. There are people who are ready to go to a pre-trial detention center, children's home, prison on the first call. With gratitude I remember Larionov's family, my first assistants. It's so difficult for the young orphan to find the significant person who will help to find himself in himself and - in the world. Irina Ivanovna Larionova was the first has read «The Salty childhood» and has told that it should be printed. She has carried the manuscript in magazine "North", and there editor Pankratov Stanislav Aleksandrovich has given the manuscript at once in a set, having removed competitors so my story was pleasant to it. Thanks them for it care. As it is important, that you have supported! The Lord reduces together people who help each other. I will always remember with gratitude Natalia Meshkova, Roma Goltsev, Dima Lebedev, Vladimir Kornienko, Anatoly Semenov, father Konstantin, Oleg Ivanov, to Tsygankov, Sasha Shumskys, Anatoly Parilov's Roofing felt, Vagan Hachikjan and many other things. As it is necessary - to be simple people but as it is a lot of a little! Yes, and the teacher under the literature Nina Timofeevna Toneeva I will remember. Give to you God of all! Forgive for the long list but when still you will bow...
I am christened
33 years old I have accepted a christening. First a little that understood in church way, however intelligently went to the Temple and stood on services. At once I have approached to deacon Alexander Popov, and have asked, whether there is a priest in the Temple understanding in building. I was then informed, I looked absolutely wildly, narrating about idea of a new temple in city center.
I advised to address to father Konstantin who has received university education on a building speciality, I have left for it self-made cut-aways and have left to be on duty at night. The meeting with the Archbishop Karelian and Petrozavodsk Manuil has then taken place, we long spoke about destinies of children-orphans, how difficultly for graduate of orphaned establishment to rise not on feet - on knees. The archbishop attentively listened to me, asked itself. Probably, from conversation also there was a decision to name St. John the Divine's temple, the patron of children. And we have started to build. In a temple I always searched for rescue - that was created in children's home and in private life, from evil thoughts and everything that chafed a head. Now I understand that if my belief would be more strong, I could help the friends. They wouldn't lay down in cheese the earth, without having lived to thirty three. Then I fought only for myself, and it is incorrectly in a root. Ah, if only one tutor from ten of my children's homes would be the believer, how many errors would manage I avoided! It was so little humility and patience as there is not enough hope on Force and Love Christ's as so much deeds was done on arrogance and rage! Now I passionately wish, that children-orphans were at church. The Lord won't leave them at an o'clock difficult hunger and pains. But as difficultly this as in the people the love for God and to the person painfully gets accustomed.
Father Konstantin. We build the Temple
According to father Konstantin, having received cut-away he at once has thought: delirium. Having seen me, has thought that I am similar to the madman. I have set a question to it corresponding. «Will build church?» - I asked. Already then, in the course of building, I have understood that idea of erection of a temple in city center - really absurd and delirium, now I will tell it to any. Indeed. However father Konstantin has started to cooperate with me, and already in the first year we managed to make the equipment design, to coordinate a place of the future church. The second year was very difficult,there were not much simple meetings with those who could help to construct to us a temple. Again it was necessary to search, so fund raising experience has very much helped. By the end of next year the temple base already has been dug into the earth. A year later there was a felling, a year later the temple was consecrated, and in it services have begun. But as it was necessary to endure misunderstandings and negations much. At times the present rage appeared in the opinion of to whom it was necessary to go, all it remains in a shower. The temple has risen nearby child care center where there deaf-mutes and badly spoken children lived, they - the main parishioners of a temple. There are services with sign language translation for them. As it is important, that the child the orphan not get angry in heart, hasn't become embittered on the world, and bore in a shower love to people, God, it is possible only through church.
I feel joyful from thought that children go to God, and He accepts them.
And as we struggled and struggle for these children! Some tutors have accepted a christening together with children in a temple of Sacred Apostle of John the Divine, but is also such that jealously observe state, instead of the sincere relation to children. Some teachers don't wish to hear about that children have worked in Glory Divine, start up sit in group, suffer from a trouble is better. So who the present deaf-mute: children or their adult tutors? Why their hearts don't hear belief?
Me and my daughter Alexandra were christened by father Konstantin. Many my acquaintances christened in this temple, all means goes, as it is necessary. And the peal flows afar... Gosh!
My pipes copper
I will sin, if I'll tell that don't excite what my wards think. All walls at office where I also live and I work, stick with tiles of letters of thanks, recently I have received a medal «For good work with prisoners», our Board of guardians which I head, became the best in Russia following the results of 2003. But I never would like to get into an armchair of the deputy, the official, it is the real truth, here cross to you. Though many around are working that to climb in these armchairs. My person quite often flashes on television screens, in newspapers, however I am not amuse vanity, I simply want to be in an amicable way recognized. The Socially-responsible person of children-orphans, their proxy representative. Thanks to it now it is possible to solve a question by phone, to help with a residence permit, clothes, products, to send for study in evening school. I have a status, but not for career growth. Right at the beginning I was often asked this question: then for the sake of what? Already don't set, thanks God! People often come to me, sometimes simple for money, clothes, etc. It's is so simple - to support the bodies in a frail world. I try to convince them to change the attitude, to get rid of feeling of uselessness. Sometimes it turns out. Why people have such spirit - to collect a little, why it is impossible to be reconstructed and begin new life? Even if there are hundred goals into life gate is hammered, still the whole time ahead. Internal annoyance generates insults, charges, anger, discontent with self as the person. Yes. Many years are necessary to receive additional skills, formation, belief in God, but after all time all the same moves forward. Why to force it to work for own blessing? To start to go to church, to bend in itself Arrogance, to overcome desire to accuse of own troubles of God, the world. Why the trouble is perceived only as deadlock? On the contrary, it is a door in the world of other, light which it is not necessary to be afraid. To stop, look round, cross, and to start most to change. It is difficult, but it is possible.
They say: have no habitation, the salary small. And what you have made to change a situation? Anything. For what reason then you pour tears on yourself, still live which isn't capable of an act for the sake of yourself and the children! Many, for example, don't suspect that I live in office the area only 6 meters. But at me the sensation of life, is essences. It is unimportant, where and how you now live, it is important - for whom and for what. It is my life, I have enough pretentions: there is no residence permit, there is no status - but there is a desire and motivation something to change. Means it is necessary to work, instead of to groan in vain. It is not necessary to be afraid to be mistaken, after all victories are paved through corners. With humour, with a song spirit, smilingly and widely-is stuffy to give yourself to another is too an investment. All will return, but in other quality. I have enough made out mankind itself on the destiny escalator when by went and different people flew the river. I peeped behind them, learned. As it is interesting - for observing of people, to remember and hold them in memory files, to analyze, how people live. As a matter of fact, all life is only a breath and an exhalation. But the Lord is generous, and we inhale life. For those who saw in life only a wall of children's home or a fence with a barbed wire, it is especially important. For overcoming thats no value, how old are you. It is important to love life in its any display. Then also life will be generous and indulgent to us. Let's lead eternally light and nice life.
The children's home often dreams me
My children's home often dreams me though I have left its walls more 20 years ago often. I sleep nervously. In sleep I still see live companions, I read, I iron my school uniform. Torturers-tutors come, my dreams are nervous, but penitential are. My life has passed equator, it would be desirable to live for itself, but - it is necessary to go to bed, as I get to children's home, a pre-trial detention center, and I meet «loneliness eyes». There and then thought to live for itself evaporates. It is very difficult to live on conditions which dictate circumstances but it is more fair. The Lord has specified me my mission - to forgive the foes and torturers. I have learned to love those who are do not love by a society, I give all my time and life to them, this great happiness - to know that you live knowingly. It is possible to search for meaning of the life in material assets, but the result will be sad: for the sake of what and whom all it? I search for the companions, I wander on the Internet, I place a photo, references, I am ready to send them money, only they would be find. Silence.
Recently I again went to Suzdal, went, remembered, thought. It is nice that I can visit in a childhood city, be in Moscow at conference or on affairs. I like a song about small town in the ending of the transfer with the same name: «Ah, as it would be desirable to return to small town», childhood small town... But - it is visible, that near of the heart, doesn't allow me to sleep easy.
One of these days I have called from ORT (the First channel), they wanted I have told about children's home as has taken place my childhood, a youth and so on. I thought that my memoirs excite exclusively me. So it is difficult to extend each time this splinter... But I am ready to remember - for the sake of those who hasn't worried it. And God grant, that there was no with them the first part of this essay - the Salty childhood. Which has got stuck in my heart an eternal splinter.
And very personal:
I do not know, whether to send the second part of mother...
Alexander Gezalov 2003
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